Matthew Harris' Journal|
[Most Recent Entries]
Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in
Matthew Harris' LiveJournal:
[ << Previous 20 ]
[ << Previous 20 ]
|Wednesday, July 23rd, 2014|
|Home so what next?
After the last few posts, the rest of my trip went quickly enough. I actually had some fun in Whitefish: it was the first time in many years that I managed to be in Whitefish unencumbered by luggage, and with the ability to take a shower, so I walked around the town feeling light and not like a big stinky buffalo bludgeoning tourists with my backpack. That was nice.
Then it was...Monday I come home. Today is Wednesday. Monday, when I came home, I had a brief feeling of "what is this place I have returned to? this is my life?" which was replaced with...well, my routine. A very routine routine.
Obviously my time in Portland was very emotionally dense. When I got back here, it was incredible for me when I realized I had only been gone 10 days. Those 10 days involved more activity and feeling than 2 or 3 normal months. I forgot about my own life while I was there, and now that I have come back...it is time to think about my life again. Only I don't know what that means or how I will do that.
|Sunday, July 20th, 2014|
|Wednesday, July 16th, 2014|
Okay, right now I am at the library.
As far as the situation goes, it is...well, it is what it is?
Right now the part that is getting to me is that I am living too much of The Couve/Fast-Food lifestyle, which tends to be financially draining as well as not good for my health. I am bouncing around from place to place, I don't have everything I usually have. Running around like a man late for an appointment. Too hot too cook. Etcetera. Looking for fixes for that. Also, no regular internet. At the library. Probably should go get food now. It is 3:26 and my eating for the day has been: a quesadilla and a snickerdoodle. Also, its hot.
But yesterday I decided to just go for a walk, and walked along Burnt Bridge Creek Trail to where it ended, which was the first time I have done that.
...and I lost my hat. And sunglasses. Need to replace them.
Okay zoom zoom zoom I will think later. :)
|Thursday, July 10th, 2014|
I know everyone here was waiting for a big impressionistic description of my situation, but:
1. I took a train ride, and it was okay.
2. It feels good to be here and to actually be doing things instead of worrying.
3. We've identified several different concrete solutions to small problems.
4. My father is still recovering. He is awake now. I will be visiting him soon.
5. The big issues going forward are still under discussion, but several people I know seem to be on the same page, at least.
|Tuesday, July 8th, 2014|
|When did I stop feeling part of things?
I am in Whitefish, posting on my phone. Whitefish is a nice place to be, especially now that things have cooled off. The depot doesn't open until 9:30, so I have been walking from one park to another. Had some pizza. Told an old woman my life's story.
There was also a Farmers Market. Farmers Market in Whitefish at the peak of tourist season is quite a thing to see. All these happy, athletic people milling around and having fun. Quite a few of whom are attractive young women. And even considering the fact that I was lugging luggage and feeling less than perky, I didn't feel a part of it at all. How and why are these people so happy? How would I even share in their improbable smile world? What do these people converse with each other about? Do they feel sympathy for each other without struggle? I don't even know. I don't know when I stopped knowing.
Posted via m.livejournal.com.
|And what I remember is the Valentine's Day candy
What I remember is the Valentine's Day candy, bought in big bunches from clearence racks at nearby stores, tinfoil wrapped globs of melted and scrunched sugar and chocolate and peanut butter that gave me a neatly packaged way of making the world okay for another five minutes. But that would have been a false memory, because this happened as late night of the 13th rolled over into early morning of the 14th, so there would have been no discount candy. Maybe it was the leftovers of Christmas candy, six weeks past due and still chugging along providing me with a substitute for mental health. Or maybe I am pushing the Valentine's Day candy back later. But that is what I remember, in that room that was on the edge between artfully, "lived-in" messy and "I have lost control of my life" messy.
And I remember sitting at my computer (oh, and for this I could find a google chat log), and having a conversation that was just as artfully messy as my room. Purposely "random" in a way that harkened back to earlier internets: coy and cute and twee. And sometime in the middle of that, or actually towards the end, she said "I like you". I've been told many times that I was loved and that someone's life centered around me, that I was indispensable. And none of those meant much to me because they have gone, and love for a role rather than for a person isn't real. But this: it literally made my head swim, I felt like I was about to fall out of my chair. That simple "I like you" seemingly the most vanilla of sentiments, seemed to be a secret message on the level of the most tawdry and long-buried of secrets. And I remembered how good that moment felt, through the coming weeks, which were going to be
the worst weeks of my life.
|Leaving tomorrow, and also, where do I even start?
Tomorrow I am leaving for Vancouver, a trip that will take me up to Whitefish, to Seattle, and then down to Vancouver. In all, it will take me 24 hours to make the trip. My mom got me a sleeper car between Whitefish and Seattle, at least. I don't know how long I will stay once I get there: I am thinking not as long as in past trips, given the high pressure atmosphere and also the amount of people coming and going, perhaps not that long. I don't even know if my father will be awake enough to know I am there. I am hoping/thinking that maybe once I get there things will be more apparent, whatever direction they take.
I guess the thing for me is:
Over the past week, I've woken up in the morning and spent a lot of time to get started. Which isn't unusual. But I've felt really tired. And I keep on trying to steel myself for the task ahead, but I keep on thinking: when will this end? When will I feel good? When will I feel like what I do matters, and isn't just a trap laid out for me? Will there ever be a time in my life when someone will proactively treat me like I am valuable? Or will I always be standing in the shadow of other people's problems? What do I have to look forward to?
And that is how I feel right now, and why this entire thing is so hard to do.
|Sunday, July 6th, 2014|
|Ups and downs, plans and...not plans
For obvious reasons, the last four or five days has had lots of ups and downs emotionally for me.
And my concrete plans have also changed around a lot.
My mom bought me a hat today. And two t-shirts.
More updates as they become...available...
|Wednesday, July 2nd, 2014|
|A picture, before the real update.
Today was hot, but I still bicycled up Sleeping Child Road. The snowmelt on Sleeping Child Creek has gone down, so the water is high but not roaring. I left my bicycle to go wade in the creek, and took this picture. I bicycled 30 miles today, which is good considering how hot it is.
One thing about Montana and my bicycling is that even though I've been many places, I haven't been in every place in every season. This might be the first time that I've been to this location in July, for example. And it is very different in July than in June.
|Tuesday, July 1st, 2014|
|Super Mario World hacks
Did I ever mention:
I love watching videos on youtube of people playing Super Mario World hacks.
This is what I do often when I am trying to get to sleep, but am not quite there.
More substantive update tomorrow.
|Thursday, June 26th, 2014|
It seems that right now LJ commenting isn't working, at least for me. Every time I try to comment, I get a message about Frank nibbling the wires.
So, once again the great LJ renaissance has been delayed.
|Wednesday, June 25th, 2014|
|$16.40 and half a box
Today I went up to Missoula to the Book Exchange. I brought a box of comic books and a box of normal books, and they took about half of them, for a total of 16.40 in cash for the hardbacks/comic books and 19 something for store credit. Well, that works pretty well for me. Mostly I want to get them somewhere where they will actually be used, instead of sitting on a shelf forever at the thrift store here. Most of my comics went for 50 cents or a dollar: but I have 1200 in my garage, which could add up to a fair amount, especially if some of them are worth at least a few dollars.
Anyway, I feel good because this is a path forward on my goal of freeing up some space, and some mindspace as well.
Also, I feel good that these books are back in circulation. Because if I like a book, that means I want someone else to read it, rather than have it gather dust (quite literally) in some corner of my house.
|Tuesday, June 24th, 2014|
|Instead of complaining, FLOWERS
I know I spend a lot of time on here complaining, and my life as I report it might seem pretty dull and stressful.
But also, life can be beautiful and fun, as can be seen from these flowers:
I sleep easiest when I feel that I have accomplished something. Its hard going to sleep with so many doubts and worries flinging around in my mind. But when I don't sleep, I often have little energy and am cranky as hell, so I don't do anything all day, which means I have more to be anxious about and so on.
Which is why I am up at 2:45 AM right now.
I know that a this cycle of stress and delay is a problem that I invented, and is very unique and original to my life.
But, tomorrow, I am going on a bike ride, which always resets my mind. And then I am going to apply for two jobs, because I said I would. Also, letters to finish, books to read, and things go on, and I will keep doing them even if I am not sure of the result.
|Monday, June 23rd, 2014|
All the daylight makes time go by differently.
Like today it was 7 or 8 PM and I felt the day was just getting started because 7 PM in the summer is like 2 PM in the winter.
Or something, maybe I am just lazy.
|Friday, June 20th, 2014|
|Today: first box
Moving always takes longer than it is planned for. And since it is June, it seems unlikely that vacating this house will happen before the end of summer. But today, we managed to give a single box away. Just some clothing and some books that I wouldn't bother giving elsewhere. But that actually makes me feel like things are happening. This box was the first step in things...actually happening.
|Friday, June 13th, 2014|
|Up and down
Things go up and down. Today was really down.
|Wednesday, June 11th, 2014|
I went up to Skalkaho Falls today, only the fourth time I've ever been there on bicycle. Even with all the bicycling I've been doing, it was...challenging. To say the least. I got dehydrated and got a bad headache.
But look! Mountains tipped with snow!
|Monday, June 9th, 2014|
|OKCupid...more like OKSTUPID!
As promised in a locked post, here is a public post about why I don't like OKCupid (or really any dating site).
I joined OKCupid...almost eight years ago. For the first few years I was on OKCupid, it was pretty cool, although I didn't really use it for its intended purpose. I mostly used it as a chatting site. Until about 2008, OKCupid was kind of the alt-dating site, it was heavily geeks and internet people. At a certain point, it started to attract more of a wide base. When I go on OKCupid now, I tend to get two types of people..."hipsters" and ...non-hipsters. The hipsters are 20ish people with college educations. The non-hipsters are often...divorced women with children, or young single mothers, or religious women who are 25 and wonder why they aren't married yet, etcetera. Can't really do a complete sociological analysis.
The hipsters usually always list the same books and same platitudes, and it is hard to tell what their actual personality is like. I don't know what they are like, other than that they probably don't actually read Gabriel Garcia-Marquez more than any other writer. And despite their hipsterness, I get the feeling that their life goals are pretty tightly defined. And as for the non-hipsters...well, not to be judgemental, but I don't really want to move to Boise and marry a women with two kids and three dogs.
But other than that, there is just no playfullness on okcupid. The best websites for meeting people are sites where there is some type of mutual interest, content and community so you can build up a relationship with someone over time. Its easier to have a conversation with someone when you can just have a conversation, rather than...worrying how much of their checklist for potential marriage partner before they turn 28 and are single forever you are meeting.
Anyway, now you know!