Matthew Harris' Journal|
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|Wednesday, October 7th, 2015|
|Autumn, for real?
Today I woke up to rains, drank some tea, and went to the Food Bank in a mild daze. We were defrosting the walk-in refrigerator while at the same time doing our normal unloading. Despite being tired, I got to work. Two hours later, a feeling of accomplishment and a box of pastries.
That at least is routine, although I don't feel too routine. Every day from July to now has been a change. I'm on a circle, not a square, every day brings a little bit of change. I keep on thinking of "before" and "after". The first two weeks here, as always, seem oceanic, as my mind changed shapes to adjust to my new environment. But each time I think I have a nice line, something comes along. Lately, its been when I started volunteering at the college (serious work, summer is over) and my house-sitting stint (which was a big break in my routine).
I still don't feel like I've arrived. I keep on waiting for the worry to be over, to feel like I've "came home", that I am living my life and not a patchwork imitation. But I still make the best of the in-betweens.
And the rain keeps falling. Or maybe not, I haven't been outside for a few hours.
Oh, and I've been spending too much time on Facebook. I miss the crispness of online communication. For all the things I've been through, I feel alone because I haven't discussed them the way I like. Which is on here!
|Thursday, October 1st, 2015|
|Well, that made my day bad
I should have updated and talked about this earlier, but I have been house and dog sitting for a friend of mine in Vancouver for the past week. Well, since Friday night, today is Thursday afternoon. The person I am sitting for is coming back this evening.
I've kind of been cocooned here. Living with someone else, even my father, kind of puts some type of presence on me to get up and get moving and look presentable. Here its been sit on the couch, use the internet, sleep on the couch, repeat. Living that life. This is also the first time since July I've had regular internet, and instead of doing all the actual tasks I've wanted to do, I do what most people do: click around and watch stuff. Career and activity epiphany has not managed to happen. Luckily I have two hours to fix that.
Also, today's mass shooting in Roseburg have obviously put a damper on my day. I worked at SWOCC. That could have been me. Don't know what else to say about it now.
|Sunday, September 20th, 2015|
Oh, I am more pressed for time than I thought I would be, so that means I will put two thoughts together
First, one thing that I am thinking of, and still thinking of, is that most of my life is spent, and is still spent, adjusting to others and their schedules, and their backgrounds. I have become adept at it, I think, although perhaps not as much as it might seem, because I am still having to adjust myself to another's culture. One of my biggest dreams, at the age of 36, is finally to be in a situation where it is more equal. Alas.
Second, and in more immediate news, summer is ending, I will be tutoring in the fall, so my adventures are going to be scaled back. I still have one big one planned for what is the "last day of summer". Reports to come soon! :)
|Monday, September 14th, 2015|
|The Summer of Matthew
There was a joke, on Seinfeld, where George talked about having "The Summer of George", a summer where he would just do everything he wanted to do, and where everything he wanted to happen would happen.
That has pretty much been this summer for me. I still have a few things that bother me, that worry me about the long term, but pretty much this summer I have been in the mindset that, if I had an idea of something to do, or an idea of something to see, I did it! I didn't wait for things to happen. If my first idea didn't work out, I did something else. The memories have piled up quickly this summer! With a few exceptions (I did have a few down days), I can point to pretty much every date on the calendar and remember what I did that day.
As the summer winds down, and things here aren't as immediately exciting as they were when I first arrived, I might change that. But that will also be good, in its own way. And I still have a few things I want to try...
|Monday, September 7th, 2015|
|My first con (kind of)
This weekend I went to Kumoricon. Kind of. I only had a vague idea it was going on until this weekend, so I didn't pay money. A big part of it happened in a public park, so I just went over there Saturday and Sunday and saw costumes and talked to people.
It's kind of a let down now that it is over. It was such a rush of excitement to be around so much creativity and energy. To have so many people to talk to! To be around people I could start interesting conversations with...
And now. It is all gone. At least for a while.
Posted via m.livejournal.com.
|Friday, September 4th, 2015|
The Sandy River at Troutdale.
I've been here more than six weeks now. In my first few weeks here, coming from Montana, the opportunity to go to a new town, or even a new intersection or park, was fascinating to me. I only had a few options in Montana and I had exhausted them.
Here, I had so many places to go. At first it was just a constant stream of travelling. It still is, but I do feel that I am slowing down. I also feel that I am not looking at places as deeply as I was.
...and that is the update for now.
More to come.
|Tuesday, September 1st, 2015|
|Saturday, August 29th, 2015|
|This is what my week is like:
Just as an example, this is what my week is like:
Monday: bicycled to Battle Ground Lake, which is a state park in a volcanic caldera and would be quite nice, if not for the fact that it is a very busy and loud campground. Break my sunglasses, on the way back home stop at the Dollar Tree and get another pair even though I already went to that Dollar Tree on the way there.
Tuesday: go to a job interview for a quasi-job that I can't actually take even if it is offered. Gives me a chance to visit the local museum in that city, and visit a park in a different city. Visit the library on the way home, get some Handbooks to the Marvel Universe.
Wednesday: Food Bank day, spend four hours unloading a truck and moving boxes around, boredom mixed with action, go home afterwards.
Thursday: Bicycle to Cathedral Park, a ride that isn't very far, but can be quite confusing on a hot day, especially Hayden Island. Come home hot and tired.
Saturday: Go to the library to catch up on internet.
|Sorry I haven't been keeping up well
Since I've been here, I've been mostly on my phone, since there is no internet at home.
That has made using LJ a little bit more difficult. Especially for commenting. I am still trying to read as much as possible. So keep posting, and sorry I can't respond as much as I would like!
|Wednesday, August 19th, 2015|
|Wednesday food bank day
It is Wednesday, which according to my new routine, is good bank day. In 45 minutes I will be at the food bank ready to unload a truck. I like work that involves unloading trucks.
I like work in general. I don't always like jobs.
But it's nice to have a routine, especially an open one. I have enough things scheduled so I don't feel lost, but not so many that I can't work on my long-term plans.
So...all is right with the world?
Also, I get free donuts.
Posted via m.livejournal.com.
|Saturday, August 15th, 2015|
|Roll on, Columbia
Grey waters roll by on a still quiet day, right outside the city where I have my earliest, dubious memories.
Does the entity proceed the experience, or does the experience proceed the entity? I've always thought that the genesis of my experience comes from this, walking in the in-between spaces, but did I form my experience from this, or did my experiences form me from this?
|Monday, August 10th, 2015|
|Every time I want to catch people up, I get hungry and tired
So I am at the library with 15 minutes to go.
I didn't get the job I applied for.
On a day to day level, things are going fine, and will be for a while (I am not running out of money just yet!)
There is still a lot of worry, a lot of tiredness, and a lot of wondering what my real place is, and whether I am chasing the wrong things. I haven't been able to rest in real comfort for a while.
August was supposed to be the best month of my life, but instead: Worry.
Worry is the primary emotion I feel right now. Not opportunity or hope, but worry. Not even FEAR...Worry, which seems to be quite different from fear.
|Friday, August 7th, 2015|
|Interviews and crashing
Right now I am in a bicycle shop getting my wheel fixed. It's a longer process than I would have thought.
Monday I had a job interview.
Tuesday I went to a job fair.
Wednesday I worked at the food bank.
Thursday I bicycled to La Center, which is quite a ride, and ended up crashing, which is why I am at the bike shop now.
Barely time to catch up! I feel like I am doing do much but also I am worried that time and money and energy will run out.
Posted via m.livejournal.com.
|Saturday, August 1st, 2015|
|Better days ahead?
I am still swinging between exhausted and buoyant. Its incredible how much shock and change there has been through July, and will continue to be through August.
On one hand, I have access to the Portland good life, to all the energy and beauty that the Portland area has to offer. On the other hand, I am out here in Orchards, often very tired, and still worried about money and employment. Thursday, I got a job offer for Monday. Friday, I took a bus to Mt. Hood. Today is Saturday. Things are happening at a rapid pace here, to say the least!
Here is Mt. Hood from Government Camp:
|Thursday, July 23rd, 2015|
|My new life
So here I am in my garret, and have been for...well, this is my fifth complete day here. Each day has been different. Ups and downs, as always. One thing that I am realizing now is that even though my new life presents me with potential...potential isn't reality. There are 1000 things I COULD do every day, but I still need the energy and wits to actually carry them out.
I also have to construct a social circle...kind of hard to do up here in Orchards. It's much closer than Montana on paper, but to people in Portland it might as well be the same distance!
Posted via m.livejournal.com.
|Friday, July 17th, 2015|
|In The Dalles, waking up
I am in the Dalles, about 60 miles east of Portland. I slept pretty well last night, in a motel room that was too big and too hot.
When writing, its best to have a main point. As in, it would be a good idea for me to describe the main experience or main emotion I am having. Besides I don't know what that is. I've felt everything from tired to overwhelmed to relieved to curious to almost-exultant. I do have to admit, at this point, that overall, my main emotions are negative. I know there is promise ahead, but right now the apprehension and stress are winning out, and I feel more bad than good.
24 hours from now, I will be in my "own room", though, and that will help.
|Wednesday, July 15th, 2015|
|Now it can finally be told
So, leaving day is tomorrow. It could have been today, but after getting the van loaded, I wanted one more day to clean my room and kind of...chill out. (It was, for various reasons, hard to do the final clean when my room was still full of boxes)
Its been an emotional rollercoaster, some days I have been up, other days I have been down. but the idea that this will actually happen is certainly a relief.
Still haven't announced it on Facebook, although I did post a pretty obvious picture of a full moving van!
|Sunday, July 12th, 2015|
|So close, yet so far
My room is very messy, its been weeks that I've been living in-between these half-filled boxes, waiting for the van to come and carry me away. I am looking forward to going, although I am also afraid.
There was a few weeks back when I felt full of energy. Anxious energy, but energy nonetheless. There seemed to be so many possibilities in my future. But now, I just think about the energy for moving and doing daily stuff, and it seems that I will barely have the energy for that.
"Hustle as hard as you hate", but the thing is, hustling takes A LOT more energy than hating.
...more later, gotta shower.
|Monday, July 6th, 2015|
|Xeno's Paradox and Me
Its kind of hard to believe that I can actually defeat Xeno's Paradox, but it looks like it might happen.
There is kind of a wall in my mind, and its hard for me to believe that I will actually manage to win through, and to think about what is on the other side of that wall. Adventure! Opportunity! Meaning!
...but right now, all I see is piles of loose papers that don't make any sense to me.
|Tuesday, June 30th, 2015|
|Sitting in an empty room with too much to do, and not enough to do
The last day of June.
It was on the first day of May that I stopped moping and started going through my room in true earnest. It was on the last day of May that I took down my one bookshelf, my final concession to the fact that life in Hamilton was really and truly going away.
Since then, its been chipping away day by day. Something that I could do in 24 hours becomes endlessly complicated by the fact that it involves me admitting that the potentials of the past will never happen: this CD of a Windows game that I've had since 2005 but never actually played will have to be tossed, and while that takes two minutes, thinking about the years that didn't happen takes...years.
Also, as with any move, I am stuck with too much to do. Too much because there is always more stuff to be moved, too little because I really can't start anything, I am only half here, and all I have is an empty room full of boxes.
Soon enough, I guess, my situation will be transformed.